update : confessions

i have a confession. i am really unhappy. there has been so much weight on me. i feel like i can't carry it anymore. first off i really hate it here. i am in love. thats right. i am in love with austin. i love everything. i love the people. i love the atmosphere. i love the music. i love the comedy and the theatres i love it. when i am there i feel like i am home. there is so much opportunity there for me and james. i think i will probably go back to college and there are some improv groups and i really want to get involoved in it. james can play D League for the NBA and try out like he has always wanted and if it doesnt work out he has a career and degree already so its a win win. the only thing is that he doesn't want to leave lufkin because of his parents.

let me say this. i hate lufkin. there is nothing to look forward too unless you want to stare at the kmart parking lot or go to walmart that is pretty much it. i am getting really tired of it.

one of my best friends is moving...yes you..clint. to another state. my entire family is moving . all on to better themselves.

i am so miserable and i am not doing this much longer. i am too unhappy. thats is just it.

i think about kevin every second. i miss him so much. sometimes i feel like i can't breathe when i think about what he went through and how unfair it is. and how much i have lost.

i want to be closer to joe. i feel like he kinda needs me there and we have always been really close.

i dont know i just wish that it would happen i am just so incredibly unhappy.

i am just going to pray about it i guess.

if anyone reads this pray too.

thanks.

holly

KEVIN

Today was easter. We just went over to my moms and ate so incredibly much, i swear i have got to stop eating like that. I got devin a chocolate bunny in which he ended up smearing all over me, himself, and the furniture. It rained today so we didnt dye or hunt eggs which sucked because i was kind of looking forward to that. James took Devin outside and let him roll in a wet puddle of water for like 45 minutes. lol.

Yesterday was one of the saddest days of my life. My family and I drove to the long bridge that crosses over Lake Sam Rayburn before Broddaas to honor my uncles final wish, to have his ashes scattered across the lake, the place he loved all his life.

Kevin was a biker and it ment the world to him. His bike is at my Nanas now resting on their carport. I ran my hand across it and cried. It still even smells like him.  I cant believe hes gone.

14 motorcycles crossed over the bridge and the last bike was his, Bobby drove and Jeannie sat on the back with Kevins picture and the urn with his ashes, Jeannie released his ashes and they spun above her head like a purple cloud.

My heart broke inside me, but I felt his love at the same time.

It was one of the strangest experiences Ive ever had but I will never forget it.

It was to honor my uncle and I'm glad we got to carry out his wish.

I will miss him dearly.

staying positive

Well lets see here a lot has been going on in my hectic life but I am trying to stay positive and keep going cause that is all you can do.

Last Monday I quit etech a place I have worked for well over 3 years now. In a way it was sad because there are so many friends I have made up there and relationships I formed over the course of those years but quite frankly it was time for a change.

I think that etech is struggling financially due mostly to the caliber of people that work there. Here is my theory on running a business. I have no experience whatsoever in the matter but even as a total random person just typing on my computer, I would say to first of all hire a staff of employees who have a good record of employment, can pass a drug test, and are willing to devote themselves. That way you can give raises and promotions and rewards those who truly deserve it and everybody is a winner. Just my opinion

I am working now at Beacon Legal support handling some legal documents, paperwork, etc, It is a little grueling and tedious at time but I enjoy occupying myself and getting payed for the work I do.

I thank God for giving me the opportunity.

I miss Kevin so much lately.

Sometimes I think about it and seeing what he went through and I just get so angry I dont know what to do. I just want to scream and I get so pissed off that he had to suffer like that because I think its so unfair.

At the same time I was driving home and I saw the sun setting over the horizon. I watched the colors swirl together like magic and the light from the sky kissed the earth. I could feel the warmth all around me and I just broke down and cried.

I have never lost someone I loved so much and it is so hard but at the same time it has taught me so much about life and how much I need to appreciate it.

I am just trying to be the best person I can be. Thats all that matters. Isnt it?

what holds us together

last wednesday night my uncle, one of the best people i ever knew, lost his battle with cancer. i am glad it is over for him. and i say this because i saw someone i have loved my whole life, in excriciating pain that no human body can withstand. and he did it. he fought so admirably and tried so hard to stay with us. it was just too much for him. and i am so glad he is not hurting anymore. i am going to miss him so much. i am going to miss the fact that i am never gonna see him again in this lifetime(i got a long ways hopefully)not going to hear his voice or have him come up and hug me real tight and say "love you girl" just like hes done my whole life.

he was so good to everyone and he will be dearly, dearly, missed. my heart aches for my family so if anyone is reading this keep them in your prayers.

thank you

holly

How can i hate the world?

American Beauty 1999. One of my alltime FAVORITE movies. One of the characters Ricky says to Jane (THora Birch), "How can you hate the world when there is so much beauty in it?"

And that is how I feel. As much as i just want to throw up my fist and shout F*** the world. I just can't. I can't because there is too much here to love and to cherish.

I AM angry. I am ....what words cannot explain.

My uncle one of the best people I know in the whole world is dying. And there is nothing I can do. I just sit there and watch him be in pain. And at first I couldn't.....it was too much. Then I realized something. Kevin has been there for me my ENTIRE life. Loving me, encouraging me, sometimes wrestling me...which is his way of affection. But what I realized is that if it was me he would be right there. Cause it just isn't about you. It is about making them comfortable and sucking it up...no matter how hard it is.

I wanted to be mad at God i wanted to hate God. But i couldn't. Even in my darkest darkest days where i felt nothing, when I felt that all I knew what lost and everyone had turned on me I never felt alone and it was him who always brought me out of the dark and filled my heart with hope and love.

So I can't be mad at God. I can't be mad at anything. I can just hope and pray and love. And be there for my family.

Thats all I know.